Ben Fricke Update

Today is my birthday and all I can think about is Ben. Last year he was in the hospital on my birthday. My sweet friends brought me my favorite lunch…blimpies. I ate at blimpies yesterday with my Mom. I craved blimpies when I was pregnant with Synneva and often met Ben there for lunch. I miss him so much. I need him. Luke needs his Dad really bad. I still am in disbelief of what I have encountered in this life. My mind still cannot get a handle on the fact that Ben is not coming back. Things are hard trying to balance everything and give kids the attention they are craving. All I know is I hate cancer….it tore my husband up!!!

There really are no words other than I miss Ben.  I feel I go through the motions every day and that maybe this is just not real.  Just one more hug….one more conversation….one more kiss….

Now that school has started and the schedule and routine are getting in place….I am starting to get it. This is it….and it sucks. I used to be able to hear the garage door open as I take my bubble bath….hooray ben is home. He would get home so late but at least I got to see his smile and face before I went to bed. Tonight, I was hoping to hear the garage door but I didn’t . And then…I realized I will never hear that garage door open again and know ben is home. I just sobbed and sobbed….I guess it was way over due. This is my new life. I go and check on Luke and Synneva one more time before I get in my empty bed. Synneva looks like a doll and I wish i wish ben was in there looking at her with me. Then I go upstairs…..sweet luke is asleep in his dada’s shirt…..just heartbreaking. Why….why…why???? This is it for the rest of my life…..trying to do homework, dinner, sports, baths, and night time stories all alone. I miss ben so much. I am so glad he is not in any more pain but I do selfishly wish we were still fighting the fight together. I just want to see his smile, hear his voice and see his eyes light up as he looks at Luke and Synneva.

It is really hard to write on the blog. I wish that I was still sitting at the hospital in the room with ben….giving a report to all and asking for your prayers as ben continues to fight. I miss my best friend so much. Every single day the hole in my heart seems to grow and burn. It is just not fair. I loved ben before but the weird thing is….I love him even more now….if possible. All I can think about is what our life should have been like. How he would be smiling at sweet Synneva and hugging Luke and telling Luke, ” who is your best friend?”. We were going to go boating and fishing this summer. This summer is so lonely and boring without ben. Luke really Misses his dada. Synneva still looks at pictures of ben and says, “dada” and kisses the picture. I tell her that is your angel dada and then she will try to say angel. I cannot believe ben has been gone for 4 months now. I hope and pray he sees us every single day. Synneva will be 18 months tomorrow and she reminds me of ben so much. She is so smart and so strong and has this funny way about her. Gosh….I am soooooo blessed to have Luke and Synneva. Luke is so good with Synneva. He protects her and helps her. I love to watch them together. My mom and dad continue to be the wonderful parents and grandparents they have always been. Synneva is crazy about my dad and calls him “Da” just like Luke does. I truly do not know what I would do without them. My friends and neighbors are wonderful too…. Can I borrow some milk? Or can you watch the kids for a hour or so…I know I can always count on them too. Sadly, we do not see or hear much from ben’s family.

Thank you all for your continued prayers. Please keep praying for our kids. Please pray for my sweet dad as he goes for a ct scan on wed. For his lower abdomen and pelvis. He had a colonoscopy and there were some unusual findings. Pray for good results on the ct scan. I hope each of you that reads this has had a colonoscopy if you have not already. It is on my list to do….scared to do it but I will. My physical, mammogram and blood work all came back good so the last thing is the colonoscopy

Please pray for my sister too….baby was due yesterday but still waiting for the arrival. Can’t wait to meet my new niece or nephew.

Lastly….don’t take life for granted….none of us know God’s plan.

Today is 3 months since I saw the man of my dreams. Oh how I miss him. I still wonder is this for real? Do I really have to spend the rest of my life without Ben. Do our kids really not have their loving dada here to hug and kiss them and tell them everything will be alright? Ben was such a good dad. He loved our kids so much. I just loved to watch him with both. He was so fun with them. He called Synneva “blondie” and Luke “rascal and lukie”…he wanted to have another baby. Just in the last few months he had started telling me how important our family was and time….while in the hospital…he said when he got better….he just wanted to do so many things with our family and even though he loved coaching….it took so many hours away from family time….he thought maybe he would just teach….so he would have more time with us. Sooooo sweet. I miss ben so much. Life will never be the same. There will always be a hole in my heart. Always a wonder of what things could have been like as a family? I long for the day I get my big ben hug. But for now, my little Synneva is calling me. Like every morning….it starts out sad but when I go in there to get Synneva…she is standing up in her crib with a huge smile. I pick her up and hug her so tight. Then smiles and my heart is filled up with happiness. I am so blessed to have Luke and Synneva!!!!!

I know ben is watching. Thank you all for your continued prayers.

Love,
Amy

today was 2 months since I last saw Ben.  I miss him so much.  I still don’t think it is real.  My heart breaks so much for Luke.  I know he misses Ben so much.  he asked me many questions today….deep questions.  We had a really good walk home from school.  He said he was sad and missed Dada.  But later he went to swim at a friends house and it was SO SO good to see him laughing and having fun…like kids should do.  Later we went to the cemetery and put a laminated picture of Ben up.  Luke wrote on it a sweet note.  Luke also left a lego man for Ben. Luke wonders if Ben will come and get it  Luke does know he will see Dada again.  I know I will too and for that I have no fear of dying….only the fear of not being there for Luke and Synneva!!!  When I think about the years I have ahead without Ben it hurts.  When I think about family trips…it hurts.  When I think about taking Luke off to college one day…it hurts.  When I think about Synneva getting married one day…it hurts.  I want Ben to be with me during all of these big events.  I want to hold his hand, I want to hug him, I want to feel safe with him.

my parents have been my rock.  I do not know what I would do without them.  I am sooooo thankful for them and thankful for their health!!!  I appreciate everything my sweet girlfriends are doing for Fighting 4 Fricke.  Amazing…just amazing.  I keep busy with that so my mind can’t wonder too far.  I know God has a plan and will help me when I need help.  I hope to get back going to church and working out more…..2 things I need back in my life more.

Thank you for your continued prayers.  I just pray that Luke and Synneva will be happy in life!!!!

It  is about 7 weeks that Ben has been gone.  I miss him like crazy.  My heart has a hole in it and it hurts.  I keep wondering is this really for real??  I look at our pictures from Nov. and Thanksgiving and everything was fine.  I just try to keep busy so I don’t think too much about the future.  Luke sleeps with me every night.  He misses Ben so much.  Synneva really wants me to hold her a lot.  She is so funny and so pretty.  Ben was just crazy about his little girl….he said so many times, “she is so pretty” ….I could picture in my mind Ben and Synneva hand in hand walking together…he so big and she so small.  I pictured Ben walking her down the aisle one day and Ben be so protective of her!!  I long for the day I will see Ben again and we hug so tight for so long.  I hope he tells me he is proud of the way I raised Luke and Synneva!!

It is hard to beleive that Ben has been in heaven for 4 weeks.  I keep thinking this is not real and he will walk in the door one day but I know this won’t happen.  I miss him so much.  I miss already the future we were to have together.    This year he wanted to get a hunting lease and spend Thanksgiving and Christmas there with our kids.  He wanted to take Luke hunting but I said he is too young…..But I know that Ben would protect Luke.  I always felt so safe with Ben.  I knew he would always protect me and the kids. I just long for his big hug….I always felt so safe next to him.  My parents have been a rock through this whole things. They continue to be.  I seriously do not know what I would do without my parents.  When Ben was sick….he asked my parents to move up here and help us with the kids.  My Mom has been here since Jan. 4th.  She is amazing!!  Dad comes on the weekend when he can.  Luke asked my parents to never leave  Luke calls my parents May and Da.  Well Synneva can say “Daaaaaa”….it is so cute.  But I think I heard her call my Mom…”Mom” the other day.  I guess because she hears me call her Mom.  So I think I better start saying “May” more.  I know Ben is close and I know he will help my Mom and Dad with the kids.  My friends in Frisco have been so wonderful also and continue to be.  I could never leave Frisco !!!  We love it here.  The friendships and support we have here could never be replaced. Our memories with Ben are here.   We had our Fighting for Fricke meeting here the other night.  Thank you girls!!  Thank you Becki.  I know Ben is proud of all of them and what they are doing on behalf of him for the ACS.  I do hope and pray that one day Cancer will be something of the past. That there will be a answer as to why we have been flooded with cancer.  And a cure for all types of cancer!!!!    Cancer scares me.  I had my blood work done and a mamogram last week.  Everything came back normal.  THANK YOU GOD!!!!

Luke wrote a note to Ben the other day at school.   It broke my heart when I read it….

Dear Dad,

I love you so much.  I mis you.  I hope you are OK.  you are my angl!!!!!!  I now to Be good all the Time.  Pleas mac the gum on my shu go away.

Synneva and I are outside…it is a beautiful sunny day. All she wants to do is be outside….just like her brother. I feel so fortunate that I can sit out here with her today and let the sun warm my skin. I am really missing Ben. There is a huge whole in my heart and it aches for Ben. March 4th was luke’s 7th birthday. Ben and I had asked Luke what he wanted to do for his birthday. He said go to great wolf lodge with dada. So Luke and Ben went online and picked out the room…the one with the bunk beds. Luke had said he would be on top and Ben on the bottom bunk. So of course, I was going to go on with our birthday plans that we had!!!! We had a great time with my sister, brother, two nieces and brother in law. Also, my parents, 2 football players, lit coach howard and my girlfriend, destiny came. Luke had so much fun and was sad to leave. It was sad to see the other dads there with their kids…knowing we will never have that but I enjoyed seeing Luke smile and laugh with family and friends.

I often wonder how I will do this the rest of my life. But I know Ben and god are close. Luke and I have encountered two surreal experiences….we like to call them walking angels.

Thank you all for your prayers, cards, sweet gift and donations. I promise in time I will get going on thank you notes. One day at a time.

Amy

9 years ago today, Ben and I got married in Austin.  Then we went on a fabulous honeymoon in Maui.  I always wanted to get married on the beach….Ben wanted to get married in a church in Austin among all friends and family.  March 2, 2002 was the best day of my life!!  Our wedding was so perfect.  The honeymoon was so romantic….it was so nice for us to be able to spend some time together….it was always hard to take a vacation with football practice.  When he was in the hospital, we were planning our next vacation.  We both said we wanted to go back to Maui to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary and take the kids.  Oh, I miss him so much.  Ben and I started dating in 1995….16 years we shared together.  I have to say the last 3 years have been the absolute best we have ever shared together!!!!!  Especially this last year…PERFECT…just perfect.  I was driving in Nov. and I remember thinking, gosh, I am so happy….everything is so perfect right now….BUT it won’t last forever….it made me sad to think like that….

I love you Ben.  I am so proud of you.

xoxo,

Little Amy